My room smells like vodka and shame
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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