your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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