She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
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I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
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Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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