Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
