I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
