she is the kim kardashian of front butts
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
