Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
