Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
