He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
