If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
