I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Never underestimate the power of titties
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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