I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.