The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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