Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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