Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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