Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I need a beard to bite.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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