my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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