Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
