I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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