Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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