Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
