he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
