I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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