Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
