I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
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