Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
