i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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