I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
