Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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