I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
This is the high leading the old right now
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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