im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
