Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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