I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
BRING THE BAGELS
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
