I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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