So drunk its hurt
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
