Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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