i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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