His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
