I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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