Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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