Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
