you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
