I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
