Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
