i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
