He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
