That's when you crack a 10am beer
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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