You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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