i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
