Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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