My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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