I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
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sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
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there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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