got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
