Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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